THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread"
to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
THE SECOND BEST JOKE
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...
Submitted by: Dirk Haueter on Sun Dec 3 20:36:35 PST 1995
THE THIRD BEST JOKE
Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Submitted by: Sue Ferguson on Fri Dec 15 16:49:56 PST 1995
THE FOURTH BEST JOKE
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Submitted by: Josh Leonard on Thu Nov 16 16:49:06 PST 1995
THE FIFTH BEST JOKE
There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"
Submitted by: Buddy on Mon Dec 4 16:03:30 PST 1995
THE SIXTH BEST JOKE
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
Submitted by: David Charriere on Sun Dec 3 16:28:53 PST 1995
(Is someone keeping an eye on this kid?)
THE SEVENTH BEST JOKE
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken"
Submitted by: Laurence Hook
THE EIGHTH BEST JOKE
What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Submitted by: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov 28 21:54:52 PST 1995
THE NINTH BEST JOKE
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
Submitted by: Jenny Doman on Wed Nov 22 01:46:25 PST 1995
THE TENTH BEST JOKE
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
Submitted by: Amie Alter
Source: http://www.majon.com/majon/W3/best95.html
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
PUSH for life
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day.
For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulder set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out,feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the adversary(Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thought into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against the rock for a long time, and it wasn't moved."
Thus, he geve the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort: and that will be good enough."
Thats what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have laboured long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. Whats wrong? Why am I failing?"
To be continue
For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulder set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out,feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing discouragement, the adversary(Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thought into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against the rock for a long time, and it wasn't moved."
Thus, he geve the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort: and that will be good enough."
Thats what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have laboured long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. Whats wrong? Why am I failing?"
To be continue
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